Is the Patient Breathing?

 

Is The Patient Breathing?

Chapter: 1

Ambulance service, is the patient breathing? Is the first question asked when you call through to the ambulance service. Most of the time people say yes, then the next question I ask is, is the patient awake? Then you say Okay, tell me exactly what happened, and the caller normally goes on some big rant. This call an old woman chatters and sounds out of breath goes on about how her 97 year old farther has recently come out of hospital for a chest infection, and was feeling a little dizzy when having breakfast but it cleared up around 9am, then he went to the shops because he always does his shopping on Wednesday and when he got back he was having his dinner but needed the toilet so he went and on his way there he fell, I've just come over because I always come around and see Dad on Wednesday afternoons but I just found him on the floor and I cant get him up can we have a ambulance. I'm paying as little attention as possible, but I wonder what he was having for his dinner. What food is a 97 year old man making? Jacket potato? Seems reasonable, but what would he have on it, I cant picture him having it with beans, and tuna seems abit too feminine for him. A steak and kidney pie also seems reasonable, but a pie seems abit substancual for a Wednesday dinner, he would have that for his tea. Soup. I land on soup, a perfect dinner for an old man. I picture him setting his shopping bag filled with 7 items on his kitchen counter and packing away 5 of them away, in a dated kitchen that looks like how my grandmas just to be, but leaving a tin of lentil soup and loaf of tiger bread on the counter. His daughter is still talking, going on about his medical past, I hear the year 1979 and instantly tune out. I see him open the tin with a tin opener very slowly with his hands shaking and then pour the soup into a grey rusty pan. He stirs the soup and shakley cuts the loaf of bread with a large bread knife and shakingly spread butter onto his two slices. He puts the bowl of soup and plate with his bread on a tray. But what was he drinking? the only answer is a cup of tea. He slowly waddles from the kitchen over to his table which is still in the same room but takes him a while which is why he puts everything on a tray so he doenst have to keep walking back and fourth. The daughter is talking about herself now, saying shes in her 70's, has back issues which is why she cant get him up. I can see him sat at his table, slowly slurping his green soup with clusters around his mouth, he has a white napkin around tucked into the front of his shirt, he was probably listening to the radio but had to on so quiet he couldn't hear what was on, but just liked the faint noise to kill complete silence. He dips his bread and drinks his tea when he realises he needs a shit. He's a little annoyed at himself because he's only sat down 10 minuets ago and it takes him a lot of energy to relieve himself, it takes that long that he knows his soup and tea will be cold when he gets back, but hes gotta go. He pushes his hands off the table to get up and walks to the bathroom but his leg catches the bottom of a chair leg and he crashes to the floor next to his sofa.he lies looking at his fireplace, unable to move cuz hes too weak, looking straight at his fireplace with a picture of his dead wife looking back at him knowing this is going to be his view for a long time. and I wonder if his cold soup is still on the table. Obvs I cant ask. I mean I could, shes still talking but if I interputed her and quickly ask 'what was he having for his dinner', in the whole shock of finding her farther on the floor and ringing the ambulance, probably for the first time, and in a stressful situation she might just tell me. Id guess the odds 50/50 she tells me without thinking or says why are asking me this and kicking off. Shes just finished telling me what happened and in the box where you write what the call is on the computer, I type 'fallen'.

The next step is to ask for the address, I already know the address cuz the computer system has already tracked it, but I still need to ask. She says 14 new close, so I say in what town or city she says Lincoln and I ask for the postcode. Then I need to get her to confirm the address again but she still says just the first line. 14 new close. So I have to ask again 'and the city and postcode'. I have to do this because if not the auditors who listen back to calls will take 1 mark off there bullshit paperwork sheet and if get too many marks taken off you fail the audit and have to have a meeting with a snotty senior who's just done their manager training course so is telling you something good you did for everything bad you did. But I never give a fuck, just smile and nod my head, pretending I don't understand things, just to waste time so I don't have to go back and take calls. 

The main part of a call if the triage. A serious of questions with yes no and not sure answers. How the questions are answered determines what the next question will be, when the system has got all the information it needs it tells me if the patient is getting an ambulance or not. This mans on the floor so he's going to get an ambulance, if your on the floor your always an exception. Before I start the assessment I know hes going to get a cat 3 ambulance, the lowest priority you can get. The current wait time for cat 3's is 8 hours, not too bad. I ask the daughter if I can speak to the patient, she says 'hes on the floor'. I can only press yes or no but I take this as a no because I cant be bothered, there always deaf as a post, so I carry on speaking to the daughter. I ask has he lost any blood and has he injured himself, she answers no for both. Then I need to ask if the skin on his chest, back or abdomen feels a normal temperate when touched. She says 'I don't know, I haven't felt it' so I ask 'well can you touch it'. I notice another call taker to my right smile at me when I say this, I don't know her name but I smile back to acknowledge her interaction. I select the 'fallen without injury' pathway and ask the next question, has he had any crushing or servere aching pain in the chest upper back or upper abdomen in the last 24 hours. The daughter says 'hes not having a heart attack'. This doesn't answer my question, so I ask the question again. I can hear frustration in the daughters voice as she says 'I don't know, ive just got here, 'can you ask him?' I say. She relunctley asks him and I hear a shrivelled voice reply no. I select the no answer and am presented with the question of does he take any blood thinning medication? the daughter says 'why are you asking all these questions? you just need to get someone here now' in an angry tone. At this point I have lost all respect for the woman and cant wait to tell her the wait time. But I reply with the sentence I memorised on the training course, the same thing ive said to a thousand pissed off people, what I want to say is shut up and answers the fucking questions yes or no. But I say the phrase that members of the NHS board sat around for hours coming up with, getting paid triple what I make, and more than likely spent most of the time talking about how their son has just started karate, or how they go to Disney every year. They landed on 'we need to ask these questions so we can arrange the best help'. This does sort of work, the daughter says 'okay, hurry up then' in a bitchy tone. I love this, cuz now I ask the questions has quick as I can, justbeforehefelldidhehavealopsidedface? She quickly catches on all I give a shit about is yes or no, I asked 'has he been diagnosed with a problem that may affect he heart' yes or no is all I care about, I don't give a fuck what the condition is. Once the daughter catches its yes or no its plain sailing. I get to the end and 'an emergency ambulance is being arranged' I hear her tell her farther 'its okay dad, there sending someone now'. I always loved that phrase, 'being arranged' it gives them hope. I take the mans details, I guessed his name to be William but its john. The daughter says thank you and asks how long the ambulance will be. 'we're experiencing delays of 8 hours at the moment'. Sometimes they say okay and take it well when you think there going to freak out, not sure if they don't hear me right or just in a panic. The daughter doesn't take this approach. 'what? are you being serious? hes a 97 year old man, you cant leave a 97 year old man on the floor the 8 hours?' We can and we have. I again spout cooperate words 'I do apologies but were experiencing a large amount of emergency calls at the moment'. This doesn't calm her down. 'this is disgusting, an absoutle disgrace to leave an old man on the floor for 8 hours' I try and wind her up more for good measure. 'the 8 hour delay is an average time frame, some areas are busier than others, it could be less than 8 hours or it could be more' this is the truth, but it hurts. Now shes really kicking off, going on about his brain operation in 1979. I tune out again. I wonder if he's shat himself? Probably. I wonder if she knows? probably not cuz she would of told me, its normally the first thing they tell you. But surely she could smell it. He's probably already been on the floor for 2 hours before his daughter came. Shes still talking. im sick of her now, her voice drains me. 'unfortunately there's nothing I can do, these are our timeframes at the moment, we'll be there as quick as we can' is what I say with the least amount of sympathy I can get away with, without having a meeting about my 'tone' and listen to other calls with examples of 'good customer service'. Shes still talking, 'he'll die if you leave him here for this long'. He did good to get to 97, im not gonna live that long I think to myself. ive done everything I needed to do on the call expect for one last corrupted closing statement, probably the best from the focus groups. Shes still going ' he's defecated himself, you need to send someone here now, just someone to pick him up' So he did shit himself, poor guy. I interrupt her and spue the line ive said a million times 'if his condition gets worse changes or you have any other concerns then call us back', this gives the auditors a big rubbery one as they tick the worsening box on their sheet 'completed' The daughter is still talking but I don't listen to a word, the call is over, the interaction is over, I have served my purpose. I give her the curtesey and say I'm hanging up, goodbye. Calls like this are your bread and butter as a call taker. As soon as the call ends that's it. My memory of the last 9 minutes is erased. The daughter will probably remember the call for the rest of her life but for me its 9 minuets of a 12 hour shift. The man could very well die on the floor covered in his own shit in his living room, and I wouldn't know. I don't piratically care. People die all the time. I cared more when I first started the job 5 years ago. But when the company your working for can let a man lye in his own shit for 8 hours, they obviously don't care, and if they don't care, why should I?

Chapter: 2 

The call Centre is a big room with desks and computers like any other office. The desks seemed to have been placed randomly so everyone is facing different. Every inch of the call centre can be seen at any time. I don't know why its like this. You don't get your own designated seat and desk, just turn up and see where's free. There is always an older woman, Ena Sharples type, sat in the corner every time. Normally sat with 2 other older woman just looking out onto everyone. I think they must come into work early everyday so they can get their spot. I imagine sitting in their spot and them coming over, asking me to move and what I would say in response. "it's just a desk innit, it's not that deep". But I'm not sure what their response would be, so I've never tried it. I try to keep under the radar at work; get in, do the job and go. Most of the call takers are female, and most are 25-60. This means whenever I'm at work there is an almost definite chance I'm sat next to a woman who wants to talk to me. Some are alright and just leave me alone, but most just wanna rabbit on. When there are no calls coming through, the call takers can more or less do what they want, as long as they're sat with their headphones on. I mostly read, but the other women just sit and talk to each other about the job and what shifts they're doing next week and things about their lives that they're not going to remember in a week. I had a woman talk to me about her husband and kids. 'So I told my Steve he'll have to pick the kids up from school because me and Julie swapped shifts because she was doing a 7 to 7 but her little boy was doing his school play and she needed to leave earlier and I was on schedule to do a 5 to 5 shift so I told her I could swap, Anyways, I also told my Steve he needs to do some shopping because we've got nothing in, just some bacon but we're having that on Saturday. So I tell him to get something for tea and he says he'll do chilli, cuz he's good at making chilli'. Right now I pray for a call to come through, a cardiac arrest so I have to give CPR instructions over the phone. Anything so I don't have to hear the rest of this shopping story. But no call comes through - she carries on. 'and then I said to myself, I do fancy some chocolate, so I say to Steve can you get me some chocolate? and he says what do you want? So I say something Cadbury's surprise me. So I come home after my 7 to 7 shift, he's made the chilli and I look in the fridge to see what he's got me and he's bought a bar of just plain Cadbury's chocolate, I asked him to surprise me but he just got normal plain chocolate' She looks at me waiting for a reaction. I mean okay maybe you were expecting a certain flavor but he was just playing it safe, you asked for Cadbury's, it's what you got. I bet you still ate it. I like to think he bought 1 bar of Oreo Cadburys and 1 bar of plain and gave the Oreo one to the woman he's having an affair with. I want to kill the conservation, but still need something to say. "I like Cadbury's" is what I say. This does not kill the conservation. 'oh yeah me too, crunchies, yeah, oh and twirls yeah. I love Twirls. A call comes through. A beep travels into my headphones, I'm saved. 'Ambulance Service is the patient breathing'. 

The call comes from a woman who has diabetes but her blood sugar is too low. She's had a yoghurt and some fizzy orange but it won't go up. She is feeling dizzy. The last time her blood sugar was this low she was rushed into hospital and had to be transferred to a specialist unit in Sheffield and then went into a diabetic coma. I type 'low blood sugar - dizziness'. I take her address and ask her questions. The system then tells you that they need something sugary like cola, jams and treacle. The woman says 'I've already had a glass of fizzy orange and a yogurt'. Is there any sugar in a yogurt? and a glass? one glass? If I were her I'd just be chugging Lucozade's with about 11 teaspoons of sugar until I was sick, then I'd drink some more. She reluctantly says "I've got some jam, I'll just have it with a bit of toast". You haven't got time for cooking. You might go into a coma and you wanna be fucking about with a toaster? I debate whether to say "can't you just spoon it out of the jar and put it straight in?"; But I hear her pissing about with the bread so I let her crack on. However I do say "I'd put quite a lot of jam on, just pile it on". I sit and listen to her chomp on her toast, I look over to the Cadbury's chocolate woman who by now is taking a call. I think about her husband and wonder if he's ever been unfaithful. I imagine they've been together 30 something years, something might've happened in the 11th year. She might've had an operation which killed her sex drive, might not have had sex for 18 months but they never mentioned it. She was probably wondering why he never brought it up. She thinks he must be having sex with someone else. But she wouldn't ask him directly, not without any proof. Then in her mind he's having an affair, she just needs to prove it. She begins to resent her husband for what he's done to their family and becomes distant with him. Treats him like a child, yet she still doesn't ask him. Partly because she thinks he'll lie and partly because she doesn't want it to be real. Meanwhile the husband was never unfaithful, he respected his wife and never asked why they didn't have sex anymore because he didn't want to pressure her. He thought her operation had something to do with it but they were also getting older and knew it was just part of life. Also masturbation was a perfectly fine replacement he thought. So that's how they carried on, until his wife changed. Now she wouldn't come home and give him a hug, she wouldn't talk to him about her day and whenever he talked to her she didn't seem to care about a word. Then maybe the husband met someone from work who actually listened to him and could talk to, and on a work meal maybe they drank too much. They left their other colleagues and went to a different bar. He talked about his wife and she talked about her husband and how he's always away, how they felt and the things they've wanted to tell someone for months. More drinking led to a kiss, which led to drinks at her house which led to sex. Maybe he felt bad the next day and decided to tell his wife. The Cadbury woman was sat on the sofa watching tv but just adverts were on, he comes in, sits next to her and tells her what happened. When she finds out everything she's upset and angry, but not as much as she thought she'd be. She's furious with her husband but realises she's played her part, if they'd actually talked, this probably wouldn't have happened. After 2 awkward days of Steve sleeping on the sofa and neither of them knowing what to say to each other, she says to him she thinks they can get over this. They get a couples councilor, work through their problems, learn to talk more to each other and have been solid ever since. Maybe that happened. I would rather have heard a story like that than one about chocolate.

I hear the caller just finishing up her toast. "I've ate it all" she says with her mouth full. Then I select 'yes' to 'have they eaten something sugary'. I arrange an ambulance for her. She takes the 4 hour delay too well to be a first time caller. This isn't her first rodeo. I give my worsening speech and the call is over. I can see the Cadbury woman, who I think's called Barbra, looking at me. She's finished her call before me cuz she didn't have to listen to toast being eaten. She's waited for my call to finish so she can carry on our conversation.

she says 'Anyways, what were we talking about I can't remember?' I do. She was just listing chocolates she likes. I keep this information to myself. This doesn't stop her though, she's determined to speak to me. 'This call I've just had, the address where the woman took an overdose is 8 doors down from where my auntie's ex-boyfriend used to live, weird innit, small world' Before I can reply she has a call come through, she points to her headphones and makes a face like she's so disappointed because she was just in the middle of telling me something incredible and life changing. She makes this face as she rotates her chair and body towards the computer screen and ushers "Ambulance, is the patient breathing". I wait for the next call and think what age she stopped being attractive. Obviously beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but for me personally, as a 25 year old male right now. What's the oldest I'd have sex with. She looks about 50-55 now I'd say. She's not ugly now or anything but I wouldn't have sex with her, maybe if I was really really drunk, but I'm talking sober. I land around the 40-45 range. Makes the most sense. I wonder what age she was most attractive. Logically it would be around the same age as me, but some woman only start to get attractive around 30 and others stop. I wonder how many boyfriends she's had and - beep. 

'Ambulance service is the patient breathing?'

A calm female voice replies 'Yeah it's police control calling, are you alright?' I want to say 'no, I'm working a job I hate, for a company I loath for a government I despise in a country I want to burn' but I don't. I say 'not bad, you'. she replies "yeah okay, a bit tired, we're really busy today for some reason I don't know about you" I'm on my 3rd red bull, but I finish my shift in an hour so I'm powering through, anyways we've had a call from a man who's been stabbed around 6 times in the chest, just asking for your attendance please'. Why didn't you lead with that? Fucking pigs. A man is lying in the street bleeding to death, and she's going on about how tired she is. Fucking travesty. I get the address and arrange an ambulance. 'That ambulance has been arranged' I say 'we're looking at delays of 2 hours at the moment'. 'Yeah that's fine, thanks Ambulance' like I'm the whole fucking ambulance service. The call ends but I sort of need to raise this job cuz a 2 hour wait for being stabbed 6 times is fucking ridiculous, even for the ambulance service, which is saying something. To raise a job I have to get up and walk over to the team leader's desk, where a senior call taker and team leader sit who both just sort of run the show I guess. If I'm honest I don't really know what they do. I go over and only the team leader is there, it's very rare there's a senior there as well, their always off, probably cuz their cat's got depression or sommet I dunno. I look at the reference number, 4573, and walk over to the team leader to tell her but she's in mid conversation with another woman. I know the leader's name is Claire but I don't know the woman she's talking to. Claire is sat at her desk and the other woman is stood across from her. Claire is asking her about her holiday. 'Was the weather good?'

'Oh yeah it was scorching, it was nice but you know when it's just too hot and you can't do anything' 

'Oh yeah, you don't want that, sort of ruins it dunnit' 

'Yeah, like don't get me wrong it was beautiful, you should've seen the hotel, and the food was amazing' 

'Oh was it? was it all inclusive?'

'Yeah' 

'Ohhh that's good, cuz you don't want to be worrying about money when you're on holiday' 

'Yeah exactly, we went to Bulgaria last year and we said we'd try not doing all inclusive. I wouldn't do it again. We ended up spending more money on food and drinks than we did on flights and the hotel, we said we're only ever gonna do all inclusive'.

I'm just stood there waiting to speak to Claire so I can tell her about this guy bleeding to death. She's seen me and knows I'm there but I guess this conversation is more important? She's worked there like 15 years so I guess she knows what she's doing. 

'Did you do any activities or anything?'

'No, we were looking at excursions and we were thinking about doing this trip to this nearby town, I can't remember the name, but it had wine tasting included, and a boat ride, and they also give you time to walk around and go shopping you know? but it was just so flipping hot! So we just laid about the pool for the whole week'

'Yeah, well sometimes you just want to relax don't ya. nice to just chill'

'Yeah, I tell ya, I needed it. But they had these waiters around the pool who just kept bringing you drinks. I'd barely finish my piña colada and they'd just bring you another one, didn't need to get up, they were fab. One day we were smashed at about 2 in the afternoon'

'Well, you're on your holidays'

'Yeah, we had to go back to the room for a lie down. But I did enjoy it. We we're saying we'd definitely go again but not in August, ya'know go when it's not as hot' 

'Oh, that's nice, as long as you had a nice time'

'Oh we did'

'you've got a lovely brown tan '

Jesus fucking Christ, are we about wrapping this up. Yeah she's had a nice holiday, lovely tan. Do we wanna do our fucking jobs now or what? She's gonna bring out the holiday photos in a minute. 

'Oh thank you, I say, we always hire a sunbed for a week before we go holiday just so we've already got a tan, but we really didn't need to, I was putting on factor 50' 

'yeah'

'anyways, I've got to go'

'Yeah, it's been nice catching up' 

'alright see ya'

The woman walks off and Claire turns to me with a big smile, waiting for me to tell her my job reference number. Fucking hell I've forgot it. "I've forgot it, hang on"  'what you like', Claire replies. What am I like? Fuck you. I've had to stand and listen to your fucking conversation for half an hour. I run back over to my computer to look at the reference. 4573. Run back to Claire's desk. 4573. 4573. 4573. 4573. 4573. "Yeah it's 4573, he's been stabbed 6 times, it's gone cat 2 with a 2 hour delay." 'Oh my, yeah thanks for raising this, I'll get them to make it a priority' she says 'Yeah thanks' I reply as I walk back to my desk. And if you're thinking I should've interrupted the conversation, that shit doesn't fly with Claire, I've tried to raise jobs to her before while she's talking but all I get is her pointing her finger in the air while maintaining eye contact with the person she's talking to. I walk back to my desk and sit down. I can feel the Cadbury woman staring at me about to start a conversation and I think about stabbing her 6 times in the chest. 

 

     

Chapter 3

I wake up to a buzzing alarm, its getting dark. Shower that's leaking. Spag bol, but I eat it quick cuz I'm late, take off my shirt so it doesn't stain. I'm a messy eater, ever messier when I eat quick. I listen to my playlist on the way to work, always the same playlist, always on shuffle. Beautiful poetry about love and life fills my ears. I don't listen much, need to concentrate on the road on the motorway. If there was a crash everyone would see my uniform and expect me to help. That would be a nightmare, I don't know what I'm doing. Id have to call the ambulance, and probably speak to someone who recognizes my voice. Oh how the tablets have turned. But I try not to crash, mainly because I like my car and wouldn't want to have to deal with insurance and buying a new car. I park my car and scan my id badge to get into the building, my ID has my name spelt wrong. 

I walk into the call centre and scan the room, the usual lot are in a group with Cadbury women, I over hear a conversation about Aldi and wanna kill myself. I take my self off near the back next to two woman already taking calls, I've not spoken to them before and don't know there's names. I throw my coat on the floor under the desk, everyone else puts it on the back of their chair but when i do that it always falls down and gets caught in the wheels of the chair. I log into my phone and sign in to the various things you need to do the job. Mainly google, I cant spell for shit and when someone's going on about random diseases they caught in the Congo jungle It helps. I also pull up snake on google and minesweeper, most games are restricted but these aren't. 

One of the woman sat next to me is on a call, however she keeps muting herself and talking to the other woman, its fascinating to watch. 'No, you need to get him on his back, you need to do CPR' mute 'He's really pissing me off now' unmute 'Your wasting time, just get him on the floor, just pull him it doesnt matter  MUTE you fucking idiot, you'll regret it when he dies you cunt' UNMUTE 'yeah we're getting there as soon as we can'. I like her. I think I'm in love. Jesus Christ calm down, a women has called someone else a cunt and you wanna propose, fucking chill. She's telling the caller how to give CPR instructions, and is counting the chest compressions. 1-2-3 1-2-3, but in a tone that conveys, I don't give a fuck. I get my headphones and notepad out of my bag and get ready to make myself available to take calls. My shift starts at 6:30 and I wait for the last second to start doing my job. The cunt woman has finished her call and is talking to the women next to her. 

''Fuckin hell, that was hard work, get him on the floor. Why? cuz we need to do CPR. why? cuz you've told me he's not breathing. Why don't they just do what you say? why've they got to question everything you say''

''Fuck em, just say you can do what I say or I'll hang up and leave it to you'' 

''Fucking wish I could, wish we could have one day a year where you could say what you want to people, you know like that film, what's it called?''

Its The purge. 

'I dunno, dont really watch films''

''I can't remember, but yeah. One day where you can say what you want to people''

''Yeah. I wanna kill myself. Then why you ringing me, your not gonna die talking to me, take some tablets or hang yourself, knock yourself out''

Fucking hell these are ruthless. I think I have found my people. 

Ambulance service is the patient breathing. 

''Yes''

''Is the patient awake?''

''Half and half''

''What do you mean? Is the patient conscious?''

''Well sort of, but also not''

Fuck me it's hard work ''Can they respond to you? Can they make deliberate movements?' 

The woman shouts ''Jeff! Jeff! Can you make movements?'' A fragile voice replies ''what? what you on about?''

''Jeff, you've fainted'' 

''No I haven't''

''Okay. So he's awake. Tell me exactly what happened''

The woman replies ''I'm a carer calling from a care home, Jeff wasn't feeling very well last week. He's recently come out of hospital with a chest infection. He's just collapsed''

In the background Jeff shouts ''I don't want a bloody ambulance'' 

If someone doesn't want an ambulance you can't send one. Paramedics haven't got time to be dealing with people who don't want help. The only expectation is if the patient doesn't have capacity. So I ask ''Does he have capacity'' 

''Yeah he does'' she replies 

''Yeahhhhh, unfortunately if someone says they don't want an ambulance we can't send one, if there are any new symptoms the condition gets worse changings or you have any other concerns the call us back, and obviously if the patient constants to an ambulance. bye' 

Bang, bosh. Piece of piss. Love a call like that. 

The two woman are exchanging drunk stories. The cunt woman has blonde hair and the other has brown. They do have normal names, but there's that many woman who work here with woman names I cant keep track. So I'll just call them Blondie and Brownie. Right now Blondie is telling Brownie s story about when she was 19. 

''So we're absolutely smashed before we even get to the club cuz this fuckin homeless guy gave us a bottle of vodka, like a massive bottle. I dunno how he could afford to give it us and I dunno why we drank it, thinking back it's proper dodgy that he gave it us, but he didn't have time to molest us cuz we just drank it then ran off. Went 't club, got fingered in the toilets, got a kebab and went home, sick night out. Cant beat a night out when your were like 18,19.

Brownie was about to say something but a call came through. Probably to tell another dodgy teenage, alcohol based, sexual story, which, if I'm honest, really wanted to hear. I load up a game of snake and wait for a call to come through, by now blondie is taking a call, sounds like a shit one. She's going 'calm down, calm down, how many people are involved' mute 'Fuck me, answer the question its not hard', unmute ' yeah, yeah okay' mute 'Ay, can you call the police please, job number 2472' Fuck shes talkin to me, shit. 'Yeah okay' I reply. I make myself unavailable to take calls, type in the job number 2472, I can see the address and the job description reads 'RTC - CAR V LORRY - MULTIPLE PATIENTS' Whenever I see that I just imagine a car and a lorry having a scarp on the side of the road, or them driving into each as fast as they can, creating a ball of metal. I call the police to let them know there's been a fucking mad pile up on the m1. ''Hi police, just calling to inform you about a car crash on the m1'' like I'm telling them they're chlamydia results or a teaching calling a kids mum to tell her he's been suspended for calling a fat girl fat. I give the police the address, tell them shits kicked off basically and to get there arses down there rapid. I type in the police reference number in the job like the bitch I am and exit the job. Blondie has just finished her call. ''Thanks for that'' she says. ''no worries, said they'd be like 5 minuets'' 

''lovely, she was proper kicking off, wouldn't shut the fuck up, took me 3 minuets to get the address, she  kept going just send the ambulance, I've told you its the M1. I was like your gonna have to be more specific''

''M1's 200 miles long, they want us to drive up and down looking for them?'' I looked it up later and the M1 is actually 193 miles long but the point still stands.

''Some people are thick as fuck'' she says 

I laugh but cant think of anything else to say, the gap to say something is quickly closing, I wanna keep the conversation going, would it be weird to mention the taking vodka from a homeless man story and comment on how I appreciate such zero fuck behavior. Yeah that would be fucking weird mate, just - Ambulance service is the patient breathing? 

''Yeah'' 

''Is the patient awake''

''Yeah'' 

''Okay, tell me exactly what happened''

A croaky old voice replies, he sounds like scrooge, but not grumpy, like scrooge after he's seen the ghosts and sorted himself out, which is basically just an old man. What I'm trying to say is his voice sounds like the voice of an old man but is weirdly chipper to be calling an ambulance. 

''Its my wife, she's got dementia, she's confused, dunt know what she's saying. She's going on about ducks or sommet'' I can hear an old woman in the back telling him to give her the phone. ''give me the phone Ed, pass it here, honestly'' I hear the phone passing hands and now im talking to his wife, here we go. ''hi there, sorry, its actually my husband who's got dementia, he's very very confused, he was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago'' They cant make their minds up, what if they both have dementia. Wish I had dementia. Then I can hear the phone being snatched again, I'm talking to the husband again. ''Sorry mate, no it really is my wife, she's confused thinking I've got dementia, I honestly don't know what to do, shes done this before.'' I get the address but dunno what to do next. If I had to guess id the say the man is the loopy one, but I really don't know, she just seemed abit more with it. I just wanna say sort it out between you or we'll chuck you both in the looney bin. Or I could do some sort of test, ask them both what day it is. Do people with dementia know what day it is. To be honest i dont even know what day it is, Jesus. What fucking day is it. Fuck knows. (I'm writing this while at work waiting for calls on a night shift and actually have no clue what day it is) I cant be arsed to think about this anymore. Only one thing for it, call the huntline... allow me to explain. 

The huntline is the line you call when you need help with a call, it gets answered by someone who gets paid enough to deal with shit like old people being old people. They have to answer the huntline with there name and what building there calling from, most of the time you can see them at the other end of the room. Why is it called the huntline? Fuck knows, but some motherfuckers probably spent an afternoon getting paid to come up with it, I prefer to call it the cuntline but it hasnt really caught on. The possible dementia man and possible dementia woman are still arguing, time to get this sorted, and by sorted I mean get someone else to deal with it ''I'm just gonna pop you on a brief hold, if we disconnected ill call you back'' I reckon I've said that more times than I've had mcdonalds, and ive had alot of them. I put them on hold and call the huntline. I can hear the phone ringing and see the senior doing something else, she looks busy, like she's trying to get it sorted to answer the phone, but I don't mind. let her take her time, times like this give me a moment of reflection, with the ringing tone in my headaches I get a moment to just breath and have a moment, nobodies dying, nobodies screaming. I see her go to pick up the phone ''Good evening this is Barbra calling on the huntline from the HP building, how can I help you?'' 

''Hello, Ive got an couple here, there both saying the others got dementia and confused'' 

''Right, so which one does has dementia?'' 

you dumb fuck.

''No clue, well yeah I do, i reckon its the husband but I think its against our policy to guess''

''yeah, we cant do that, obviously we need to make sure patients get the right help.'' No fucking shit, what a fucking pointless statement. she carries on '' what im gonna do is get a clinician to speak to the patient to see they can see what's going on, Im putting you though now. She puts him through and I put him through to the old couple, who god knows what there doing now. I wanted to tell blondie about the strange call but now were getting very busy, so calls are waiting to come through. 

Ambulance service is the patient breathing 

''yeah, im the patient''

''Okay tell me exactly what happened'' 

''Ive not been right for a while now..''  I just know she's gonna go on for ages, time to have a game of snake before she wrapped this up. ''I tried to get into the gp last week but there always busy, I've just been feeling more tired, and yesterday while I was at bingo, I had a dizzy spell and needed to sit down'' aren't you always sat down at bingo? 

''now its got worse and I feel like I'm gonna pass out if I stand up''. She didn't go on for as long as I thought she would, I have to end my game of snake and do my job. I get the address, ask the questions and arrange an ambulance saying the statement I always say ''an emergency ambulance is being arranged, will be there as soon as we can, at the moment we are experiencing delays of an average of 11 hours but like I say we will be there as soon as we can'' Her tone takes a turn. Shes livid.

''11 hours!? Are you being serious?!'' I wish these calls weren't recorded or else id say yeah I'm joking. Its actually 14 hours. 

''Yeah unfortunately these are the delays at the moment'' 

''that's not good enough, 11 hours? That's absolutely disgusting. 

Time to break out the zombie, cooperate, robot, bullshit, zero fucks, unhuman, heard everyone repeat talk I hate giving but its what the bosses want me saying so fuck it. 

''As I said were very busy at the moment and we need to priories are ambulances for the most life threating emergencies, we will be with you as soon as we can, if there are any new symptoms if your condition gets worse changes or you have any other concerns, call us back''

''Its absolutely not good enough, no wonder the nhs is in tatters'' thats not a word you hear often, tatters, quite like it. ''im 68 years old, got copd, i live alone'' This her fucking tinder profile? haha ''I need the toilet, i feel so unwell, and your saying its going to be 11 hours. I feel like im going to faint, what should I do if I pass out? 

''Call us back when you wake up''   

''I can not believe you've just said that to me! As if you've just said that to me.''

''Well its true. You cant call us back when your passed out'' 

Chapter 4 

If you sit and listen to the other call takers you can hear some great stuff. Just writing this sentence I've heard 'No listen....Your not listening........Just listen to me for a minute....I need to speak to the patient.............because you've told.....Can you let me speak?..........Because you've told me he needs an ambulance and I'm asking if I can speak to him'

You can also always hear someone at the other end of the room just shouting 'DO YOU TAKE BLOOD THINNERS DAWN?...BLOOD THINNERS....NO NOT WHAT YOU HAD FOR DINNER, BLOODTHINNERS .....DO YOU TAKE BLOOD THINNERS.......YEAH.....NO YOU DONT, OKAY...........HAVE YOU BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH A BLEEDING OR BLOOD CLOTTING PROBLEM......A BLOODCLOTTING PROBLEM?..........BLOOD..CLOTTING..PROBLEM?....YEAH........YEAH PUT YOUR HEARING AIDS IN, YOU'LL HEAR ME BETTER.....YEAH,PUT YOUR HEARING AIDS IN..........YES PUT THEM IN.

I always chuckle to myself when I hear shit like that. But you cant laugh for long. Sooner or later its your turn.

Sometimes you've gotta ask some fucking dumb questions. Questions that make me look dumb for asking. I get why i ask them, to rule out life threating conditions. But its so fucking dumb. 

- Ambulance service is the patient breathing?

- Yes

- Is the patient awake?

- Yes 

- Okay, tell me exactly what happened - I don't get why they make us say 'tell me exactly what happened' cuz that just makes them think they've got to tell us exactly what happened. Like this is there one chance to tell us whats happening, like we need the context and history surrounding what happened, then what actually happened, and then what they think happened. All we want to know is what symptoms we've got. 

-'yeah, I've got this terrible pain in my arm and i feel really dizzy. Been having them on and off for a week. I came out of hospital 2 weeks ago cuz I had a fall, but this pain is terrible, I cant sleep, cant get out to do my shopping... 

You could just get your shopping delivered, probably be a pain, literally. Nar this guy is way too old to be fanny around with online deliveries. I tried helping me mum do it cuz she had this voucher but I couldn't make head nor tail of it, once you pressed checkout all the items would leave your basket. The mans still talking.

'You know, I know its not an emergency, emergency but ahh - he interrupts himself as he lets out a short scream before slowly moving his arm into a comfortable position, groaning as he does. - Its just every time I move it its extricating, you know I'm 76, I live by myself, im not the best on me feet the best of times like. 

People think its like they've gotta sell that they need an ambulance. Like there on dragons dens. In reality it doesn't matter, the assessment questions choose your faint. I don't give a fuck if you fought for this country for 25 years or your an illegal immigrant fresh off the boat. I mean I do, but they both get treated the same.

The mans wrapping up his speech /plee 'So yeah, I know your ever so busy but I didn't know what else to do. I just want someone to look at it. 

I type 'Arm pain'. 

I type in the mans address, and ask him to confirm it. 

'So I just need to ask you some questions to get you the right help' before he can reply I'm straight in with the first 'Have you lost any blood?'

'No'

'And does the skin on your chest. back or abdomen feel a normal temperature' 

'I just feel really sticky and sweaty'

'We're looking for the temperature, does it feel cold, warm or normal?'  

'Me foreheads pretty hot I'd say' 

Fuck me

'No. were looking for your core temperature. Touch the skin on your chest, does it feel cold, warm or normal?'

'It feels normal'

was that so fucking hard?

Now on my screen I see a big diagram of a naked man. You can see all his bone and organs including his nob. Around the body are labels for the body parts, if you press that it gives you a list of pathways you can go down for that problem. 

'And what symptom would you say is your main concern, what's affecting you the most?'

'Its just the arm pain and the dizziness, ive also got abit of a rash aswell, and abit of constipation but im not really that concerned about the constipation'.

'So we can only assess the main symptom, so out of everything whats affecting you the most?'

'The arm pain....and the dizziness'

'And out of thoughs two?'

'Yeah them both'

'No, out of your arm pain and dizziness what's worse, if you could get rid of one of them what would it be?'

'Well its both' 

'We can only assess one, so what would you say is worse?'

'Right okay, then id say my arm pain'

I press on the arm label and select the 'arm pain or swelling pathway' 

I started asking him questions about his arm and shit when a senior call taker walks over to me trying to talk to me. I point to the phone to say im on a call, but she still tries to say something to me. Sorry but i thought we were supposed to be concentrating when on a call, or can we have conversations? I just nod, she smiles and walks away. 

I finish the questions and tell the man to speak to his GP, when Babra the senior walks back up to me. 

'Hi, you alright' she says 

'Yeah'

'Good good, yeah i just need to feedback an audit with you'

Shit, this is always shit. 

She takes me to a small office, walks in her high heels holding her laptop like she works for the government or sommet. We walk into the office that has a desk and a few chairs. The walls covered in bright white paint, burning into my soul. 

'Take a seat she says' 

Obviously. You think i was just gonna stand while you sit until you give me permission? You'd love that wouldn't you Barbra. 

She flicks her huge head off hair out of her face and opens up her laptop. Punching the keyboard, she talks but never takes her eyes off the laptop screen.

'Yeahhhhh, so I've just got to feed this audit back to you, it shouldn't take too long, i've listened back to the call and its only a few minor details we need to fix'

I wonder if anyone has ever shagged in this room? I mean lets think about it. Its a pretty private room away from everyone else, there's blinds. I mean there's always office romances. This building is what? 20 years old i think. So for the last 20 years there's been people in the building constantly, 24 hours a day, every day. Yeah someone has definitely clapped cheeks in here. Maybe on this desk? Well most probably over this desk. Some call taker shagged the manager so she could get the dispatch job. Filthy bastards. I bet multiple people have done it in here. The walls used to be blue but they just got covered in cum over the years. I couldn't have sex in this room. Constant fear of getting caught. Like what would you actually do? Kill yourself. That's literally the only option. I mean i say i wouldn't but if Barbra came onto me right now...I dunno what id do. Definitely wouldn't shag her. Definitely. But would i let her suck me off? I dunno. Eww. No that's grim, what the fuck am i thinking. She's like 50. And married. What we gonna do start an affair? I'd have to keep purposely failing audits just so we could shag, then it'll get to the point where I fail that many audits I'd get sacked. Barbra will fall in love with me, she'll leave her husband, she'll get me moved in, now I'm living with a 50 year old women with her 3 teenage kids. We'll get married, then she'll die like 20 years before me and I'll be living by myself for 20 years cold and alone with catheters coming out of nob, I'll forget what day it is, then these women will come to my house asking me questions then before I know it I'm rotting in a care home with other nut cases who scream and try to bum me. 

Oh shit Barba asked me something. Zoned out for a second there. 

'Sorry what did you say?'

'I said we'll just listen to the call and from their''

Fucking great. Who likes listening to themselves. Sound like a mong. 

Barba keeps tapping the keyboard while scrunching up her face in confusion and frustration. She's not idea what she's doing. 

'It doesn't want to work' She says

You mean you're a mong. 

She keeps tapping harder and harder. 

'Oh well. Looks like we cant listen to it. Why does this always happen?'

Cuz your a mong.

Barbra turns her laptop around to show me the audit checklist. 

86%

Chapter X - Training

I saw the job on indeed and thought why not. Not bad pay, and looks good on your CV. Filled out the form, lying about how punctual and hard working I am. They send you an email, step 1 of the process. Not an interview but a online teams meeting, your just in a big meeting online and they talk about the job and ask you questions to fill out, they ask things like are these 2 address' the same. Basically a test to see if your a fucking retard. On one of the test they played they had some music in the background, it was some shit 50's style rock n roll copyright free crap. I'm guessing they played it to try and distract us and see what were like under pressure, but I'm just at home in my room, vaping, looking at my pictures of Tina O'Brien on the wall, I just turn the music down, it wasn't distracting me, its just shit and the quality was shit, sounded like it was being played through mp1. The call ends and I get an email saying I've been accepted for an interview, its over the computer again, fucking great. I have all my notes on my computer with pre-written answers to bullshit open questions big companies always ask you. What are your strengths? Good liar. Can you tell me about a time you worked well in a team? Threesome. Tell me about a time you worked well under pressure? When I put on loads of weight and had to wear these tight jeans for a week on a cruise

, just read what chat gpt told me to say. They had another woman enter the call and pretend to be a caller who was pissed that her mum had fallen outside Sainsbury's, I Had to calm her down ''were getting there as soon as we can'' piece of piss. End of the interview, Now I await for a response. Spoiler, I got the fucking job. 

Before I can take emergency calls from the general public and call them fucking cunts behind there backs you need to do 6 weeks training.  I remember my first day like it was yesterday, driving to the center, it was sunny. There was a group of around 9 of us. I was the only male. 2 Blonde good looking women in green uniform stood at the front of the classroom, but I get the impression they aren't as good looking out of the uniform. I'm nervous and really tired. Me and the other 8 women all sit about like were in school ready for the teacher to talk. 

''Hi, welcome everyone, firstly we want to do an icebreaker just so we can get to know everyone, so firstly what we'll do is... we'll go around, say your name and what's your favorite type of potato is''

Fuck me. 

''So I'll start my names Jayne and my favorite type of potato is curly fries'' she points to the woman next to her like they've done this routine 100's of times before, acting like they're ant and Dec. 

''and my names Amy and my favorite type of potato is a crisp, like a walkers crip''

One by one they made us all go around saying are name and fav potato type. 

''My names Sophie and I'd have to say nice creamy mash, like on a Sunday dinner''

Wow, great. Feel like I really know Sophie now. Everyone else goes around saying different forms of potato. I hope nobody else says hashbrown cuz that's what I'll say, i'll look like I've copied someone else if someone says it before me. Every time someone says there fav potato type the two women bob there head to show there approval saying the same 3 phrases ''Oh yeah'' ''hmmm lovely''  ''Your making me hungry''.

Thank fuck that's over. They do a bit of a PowerPoint about the job, its very demanding blah blah type of shit. Then they've got us setting up all our accounts. You've got your GRS to set up to see your shifts and book time off, then your ERS to get your timesheets, but you need different passwords for them both. You need to set up your email and verify your account on the phone through your own email. Then set up your DLS which is your online learning program course thing. Before you know it, its end of the day. 

Then next day there's two different women stood at the front. These two would definably look better not in the uniform. 

-'hi everyone, My names Jill and this is Daisy. Obvs you had your first day yesterday, i know you would of already done an icebreaker but we want to do another one so we can get to know you.  We all go around again saying our if you could only watch on tv show what would you watch? I say coronation street. Nobody said thats actually a soap, cuz if they did id say not according to IMDB. 

So we all go around, everyone says there fav show. Thank fuck thats over. 

'So now what were gonna do is, everyone write down 2 facts about youself on , then